Keep It SIMPLE

In a perfect world, our parents would teach us that change is the only guarantee in life and that it is therefore essential to be good at accepting change and moving through it. Wouldn't it have been great if your mom had asked you each evening, "What changed today, what is new, and what's good about that?" Acknowledging changes in this way would have helped us develop a view of change that would support us later in life, when we are faced time and time again with new situations and experiences.

Take a moment to think about why you have made the life choices that you have -- whom to marry, what kind of work to pursue, where to live -- and you'll see that we are often a walking imprint of the beliefs of our family and friends -- what I like to call the tribe. Sometimes this loyalty to the tribe is conscious; but most often it is unconscious. This loyalty helps us feel connected to the people in our lives on a deeper level. Your tribe has probably helped shape the way you live, but it can also take away your ability to see and choose the best way to move through change. Every member of your tribe has his or her own model of the world and is all too eager to share it with you. Going against your tribe can be uncomfortable and threatening. If your family believes deeply in the institution of marriage, it takes courage to tell them that you choose to believe that divorce can be a good thing. Or maybe you dream of owning your own business, but your tribe always encouraged you to maintain a steady job. Who is in your tribe? Ask yourself who still has power and influence over your choices and the changes you want to make.

As a friend of mine, Kathy, once told me, "During change I've found that a lot of people have a tendency to hold on to other people's patterns. People need to look at themselves and ask, 'Who am I as an individual?' not 'Who am I as the daughter of my mother or father, the wife of my husband, or the mother to my kids?' "

Choosing your own way can be extremely liberating, so start taking your power back from the tribe! Give yourself permission to express your own view of losing a job, being in a relationship with someone of a different faith, or moving to a new city. It's your life and your change. You can seize the opportunity to make the change your own and to better your life in the best way you see fit.

You can also influence the way someone else views a change you are going through. When my friend Diane lost a big, important Wall Street job, it was as if her world had come crumbling down around her. She had taken in the belief -- from society as well as her friends and family -- that her career was what made her a smart, interesting, and worthy person. She described her job loss with such shame and negativity that I found myself reacting with the same energy. I felt really sorry for her and worried about her future. But if she had decided to see the good in this change and said, "This is great! I'm going to spend some more time with my family, catch up on my reading, hit the gym, or volunteer," I would have been happy and admired her. What you choose to believe and relay about your change determines how others will react to you.

You may not have chosen the change that is happening to you, but you do get to choose your beliefs around it. People can develop their own beliefs at any time in life, whether they're young or old, whether they're deep into a change or just beginning a transition. Everything is always up for discussion.

--By Ariane de Bonvoisin